Q2A

Got an enquiry ........

I don't really know where to start. Everything's up in the air right now and I don't know what to do about it. For about 5 years I've struggling with cutting myself and purging, with the odd episode of restriction. During that time, I've developed issues with overdosing (only trying to kill myself once, the other times were linked with self-harm purposes) and the restriction of food has got worse. My mindset has deteriorated and I have no idea how I got through A levels and university (first year).

I've had to take a year out from university because my mental health got in the way and I feel so stupid. I miss all my friends terribly. It's simply fuelling the fear I have of people letting me down and leaving me out, so my trust is reducing... not that it was there already. I'm trying really hard to work with my counsellor but I didn't go to the appointment last week and the one yesterday wasn't what I would call, a success. I find it incredibly hard to talk. I don't trust her and she expects me to. It's so hard and I'm so scared of never getting back into university and only being left with one option; suicide, which I don't want to go through with.

Everyone thinks I'm fine - bar the odd drunken tirade of truth that I spew and the panic attacks. I am just about managing to keep a lid on it but I'm so tired of doing that. It's all I've ever done. I wish there was someone I could talk to and rely on but there isn't. And that's my own damn fault for being such a stupid, useless person.

This hasn't been a 'quick' question, I do realise this, but I am at my wit's end right now and all my destructive behaviours are coming to a head, especially the eating related one, where I am restricting/exercising/purging a lot more and I know I need to get thinner before doing anything else with my life or letting anyone in. I'm a mess and so is my life and I cannot believe it's come to this. I seriously don't know what to do.

Thank you.

This is our reply.......

Hi, thanks for your email. Sorry for the slow reply, we were having some technical problems with our email server but it is sorted now.

Please try not to think of yourself as a 'stupid, useless person' - you are not that at all! Instead of being so hard on yourself it is important to try to think of yourself in a positive way. With this in mind it might be best to try to work out what can have made you see yourself in such a negative way? Some common causes are:

# psychological e.g. low self-esteem
# personal relationships and life experiences e.g. relationship breakdown, abuse (emotional, physical or sexual), being bullied
# social factors e.g. pressure in the media to be thin
# biological e.g. inherited tendencies, chemical imbalances

It may be just one of these factors, or it may be a combination but identifying what it is means that you can do something about it. This is what your counsellor can help you to do if you give them enough information to work with. As you're finding it hard to talk to your counsellor you could perhaps try putting e.g. thoughts, feelings, significant events down on paper and giving it to them to read. You don't say how long you've been seeing your counsellor, but it can take time to build up trust.

Starting to keep a diary/journal may help you to spot a pattern e.g. if there are certain times when feelings start to build up, or whether certain events that trigger the need to restrict or exercise etc. You could then try to think of other ways to respond to your feelings rather than using food. You could try distractions and postive activities such as:

# drawing/painting/writing (as we mentioned above)
# yoga/meditation
# taking your feelings out on something else e.g. a pillow, cushion, cheap soft toy
# listening to relaxing music, watching TV/dvds, reading

Being in contact with other people who are in a similar situation can be very helpful because they really do know what you're going through. If you haven't already done so, maybe think about contacting Beat (beat eating disorders). We found their website very helpful for our reply: http://www.b-eat.co.uk. As well as the support services listed below there are message boards, blogs, videos and information about local self-help groups on the site. There will be live chat on their site on 22nd December about getting through the Christmas period: 6.30pm-7.45 pm, and regular live chat sessions will begin next year on the 2nd, 3rd and 4th Wednesday of every month, starting on the 2nd Wednesday in January.

Here are Beat's support services:

# Beat Youthline: 0845 634 7650. Open: Monday- Friday 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturdays
1.00pm - 4.30pm
# Beat's text service: 07786 20 18 20. They'll reply within 24 hours
# Beat's email service: fyp@b-eat.co.uk

We can see positive things in what you've told us: you did do well in your A Levels; you did get to university; you are receiving counselling; you want to get back to university; you want to carry on living. We hope that with support you're able to get through this difficult period and resume your studies and your friendships, and come out of the other end of this difficult experience stronger with some new coping strategies that can help you throughout your life.

We are here to help and support you too and are available from 10am til 10pm 365 days a year. We can be contaced by phone on 0800 511111, by text on 07786 511111 or on Webtalk at www.q2a.co.uk.

We also have an autotext service where if you feel like self harming you can text FLSH to 07766363390 and it will automatically text back suggestions for distractions and things to do to help you avoid self harming.

Hope this is helpful to you, please feel free to contact us again and let us know how you are getting on.

All the best

q2a

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