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loobylu asks...
hiya
at home it aint serious but i have a lot of arguments and i hate having them but i cant help not shouting back and i get really agressive sometimes it happens at school and i get propa annoyed and shout at people then i get into really big trouble!
any chance you could help me sort myself out in anyway?
cheers
xxx
What we suggest...
Hi loobylu
We understand that you've been having a lot of arguments recently and would like help in how to avoid shouting at people and getting aggressive. Although we know its not always easy, dealing with these kind of situations does get easier with practice. Also, there are ways of stopping arguments getting out of control, especially if we understand how this can happen.
One of the main reasons that arguments can get out of control is because when we are in an argument it is easy to become stressed. When we are stressed our heart rate goes up, we breathe faster and we don't think as clearly. Because of this, sometimes in arguments we say and do things that we don't mean and then regret them later. When someone shouts at us our first reaction can often be to shout back even louder. When this happens the other person may end up doing the same until the situation goes out of control and things can go from bad to worse. Therefore, one of the most important things to remember is to keep calm and to try to stay in control of the situation.
There are a number of ways to do this. Perhaps we could to start by looking at a situation where someone, let's say a teacher or parent, is annoyed about something they think you have done.
If someone is upset with you for some reason, sometimes they don't explain what is wrong in a calm way. As you know, sometimes they come up to you shouting and making a fuss! It's easy to get annoyed and shout back without even hearing what they have got to say because you are upset at how they are speaking to you. This will, of course, lead to even more shouting and upset unless someone does something to calm things down.
One thing you can do is try to listen to the person and to keep calm yourself so that they have a chance to "get it off their chest". Often if you show people you are listening to them they calm down once they have said what is the matter. Once this has happened, then you can discuss things a bit more calmly and try to sort things out. After all, if there is a problem between two people the best result is for the problem to be sorted out. Whether, for example, you might have to apologise for doing something wrong or explain that there has been a misunderstanding, its hard to do this if everyone's shouting and getting upset.
We can also help to keep things calm by looking at the way we are coming across to the other person. If we are stressed and upset we can come across as aggressive. By relaxing our shoulders and trying to breathe slowly and be nice to the other person it can help to stop things getting out of hand. Also, sometimes we can make the other person more calm by saying things like "I understand what you mean", or "I'm listening". By working to keep the other person calm and reacting calmly ourselves, we make it possible to sort things out without things getting out of hand.
In these examples we looked at how to handle it when someone might think you have done something wrong or when someone might disagree with you. Of course, sometimes an argument might also happen because you feel that someone has done something wrong to you. In order to keep control of the situation it can sometimes help to take a deep breath and count to ten before you say or do anything. This can give you the time to think about how you can say what you have to say calmly and nicely. Then the person can explain what has happened and you have a better chance of being able to sort out what has happened. Sometimes we can end up flying off the handle and rushing into an argument and only later realise that we were wrong or that it might have been a misunderstanding. Even if the person has done something wrong, they are more likely to be reasonable and apologise if you can keep control and talk calmly.
Finally, in some arguments, no matter what we do the other person may still be angry and aggressive and not listen to us. When this happens it is very difficulty to stay calm and sometimes the best solution is to walk away. By walking out of the situation it makes it more likely that neither of you end up saying or doing something you regret. If you want to explain this to the other person you could say something like "I am happy to discuss this when you're calm but until then I don't want to speak you if you're going to shout". Although it shouldn't be the first thing you try, in a very stressful situation sometimes the only way to avoid an argument going out of control is to walk away.
Another useful tip that can help when dealing with an argument is to be assertive. Being assertive is when you stick up for yourself in a way that is calm, rather than being aggressive. Being assertive is about finding a good way to express yourself early on instead of just bottling things up. If we don't put our point of view across then we run the risk of exploding with anger later. One good tip when trying to be assertive in arguments is to use the word "I" a lot instead of the word "you".
Here are a few examples that might explain the difference between using these two words.
Firstly here are some "I" sentences:
"I don't understand exactly what you want me to do. I'd like you to explain it again"
"I really don't want to have school dinners, I'd much prefer pack lunches"
"I don't really fancy going bowling, I would really like to go ice skating this time. We went bowling last time"
Now here are some "you" sentences so we can see the difference in how they come across:
"You never explain things properly!"
"You always try to tell me what to do"
"You always want to do what you want to do, you're so bossy!"
If you compare the two ways of putting things it is clear that "I sentences " come across a lot better and are much more likely to keep the argument under control. When we use "I" phrases we are explaining and putting across our wishes or point of view. The problem with using "you" phrases is that it is easy for the other person to feel we are having a go at them and for them to angry in return. Which of course makes us even more angry and leads to an even bigger argument!
To recap on what we said. Some tips for dealing with arguments are:
1. Try to listen to the other person's point of view and give them a chance to say what they need to say. Sometimes once a person has "got it off their chest" they can become more calm and reasonable
2. It helps to be aware of how we come across to the other person. Try to keep calm and relax and not come across as too angry or aggressive as this can make things worse.
3. Try to show the other person that you are listening by saying reassuring things to them and keeping eye contact with them.
4. If you are upset with someone count to ten and think about what you want to say before you say it. If you just rush in things can sometimes get out of hand very quickly, especially if both people get upset and annoyed.
5. If the other person is being very unreasonable and aggressive sometimes the best way to handle the situation is to walk away and wait until the other person has calmed down.
6. Try to be assertive and focus on "I" phrases, which help to put your point across calmly, rather than "you" phrases which can sometimes make the other person angry and make the situation worse.
Finally, we would like to add that if you feel angry a lot or if you feel that you may have a problem with anger it might be because of another issue that is upsetting you. If this is the case, it might help to try talking to your parents, GP, youth worker or teacher and explain how you are feeling. They may be able to refer you to someone like a counsellor who could help you to learn to control these feelings better. Also, we are available to talk to on the What Now? Helpline 0800 511111, by text on 07786 511111 or on webtalk at www.whatnow.co.uk if you would like to talk to us about this, or any other issue that you might like to discuss.
There are also some very useful websites available which deal with issues around anger and how to handle it.
This link below contains more info about assertiveness and "I" and "you" words, as well as tips and advice on dealing with anger:
http://www.thesite.org.uk/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/otherconditions/dealingwithanger
The link below goes into more detail about assertiveness and has some great extra tips and ideas for how to successfully handle arguments:
http://www.kidscape.org.uk/assets/downloads/assertivenessforchildren.pdf?
We hope these tips are helpful to you and wish you good luck in trying them out in the future.
Please do email us again through q2a, about this, or anything else.
All the best
q2a
Expert advice and every precaution has been taken to ensure that the information on this page is trustworthy and reliable, but the publishers do not hold themselves responsible for any inaccuracy as information can go out of date very quickly. This page gives general guidance only and should not be treated as a complete and authoritative statement of the law. With regard to suggested weblinks given in this reply please note that Lancashire County Council is not responsible for the content of external internet sites.
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