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We are very grateful to the young person who sent us this story and we wish them well. We hope that the experience of writing about what is happening to them and their family will be helpful to them, as well as beneficial to those who read it who might also identify with the experiences.
I would like to share my stories - This is what im going through now and what i have been
through im 15.
I suffer from depression and have been diagnosed with it. I am seeing a mental health
psychologist at camhs. I have thoughts and had thoughts about suicide i also hear my own voice in my head telling me to take pills. I have bad dreams about commiting suicide where i have to wake myself up. I also think about dying and some times i say to myself i wish i was dead when i am feeling really low in myself. I used to self harm but i dont anymore, instead i take an overdose when i cant cope with strong feelings. This has happened a few times, i also get emotions where some times i feel like i just have to go and punch some one for no reason and i dont no why that is .
My Parents do no what im going through, before the school holidays i had a meeting at school because they where very concerned about me because of my depression and the overdosing. The school did give me such support as a reduced time table , time out card and various people to go when i couldnt cope , but the school has told me and my mum that im not safe to be in school and i went to school last halfterm even tho i missed out on a lot of education because i was off and out of lessons all the time because i could not cope with how i was feeling and thinking.
The school decided to come up with a plan where i still have my reduced time table and
my time out card but they are saying now i can only go to the medical centre to see the
school nurses whereas before i used to talk to my head of year and the child protection officer because i knew them for a long time and they had dealings with me before and i felt i could talk to them easily. But i dont want to go to the medical centre and have to explain
this all to the nurses about what i've been through , what i've done , how i feel , what i'm thinking because i have spoken to that many people its starting to do my head in, the school is not helping by saying we cant cope with you .
I really do not want to go back to school in sept because im going to be all alone to cope
with everything what i mentioned in the 1st pargraph and i have got no one to go to if i have feelings of taking an overdose. I really cant cope with another year of school if there is going to be no one around to help me. I do have my friends but they dont understand what its like and i dont want to put too much stress on to them if you understand.
Another reason i dont want to go back is because i get myself into situations where im getting in to trouble then im getting excluded and punished but i just cant help it i dont no why im getting in trouble i just dont realise what im doing half time :( i tried explaining this to the school and so have my parents but they are not understanding).
Camhs, i think they are usless. They are not even doing anything to help me which is
overwhelming and frustrating. I just want to punch my psychologist because he's starting to wind me up by not doing anything. He gave me CBT but it is not working and not helping me any. I really cant stand going there much more i just want to give up .
Me and my parents dont know what to do next and we dont know where to turn to for help
because we are not getting any where and we are going around in a visual circle
basically because every one is giving up such as the school , camhs etc .
I have a fsw - family support worker coming to my house about the exclusions and the
trouble at school but i dont see how shes going to help me any when no one else can .
My sister's boyfriend dad has cancer and hes only got a few months to live and his mum has got a blood clot what can lead to a hart attack. My Depression seems to be getting worse as it goes on. I talk to people at school and have my parents but when i spoke to school the other day and i emailed them they called my dad up and said that they was really concerned because of what i wrote in my email so my dad had a go at me for it and he said to me the way i am going i will end up getting sectioned. I dont know what to i feel so numb i am still going to camhs but my parents have got to go for another meeting on 5th october to see my psychiatrist but im not allowed to go for some reason but i dont no why that is.
Im so fed up with every thing. Nothing is getting done and im going around in visual circles. school still cant cope with me and at camhs i have asked to see someone else because the person i am seeing does not help me at all. I have seen three people so far and im going around around and its so overwhelming but no one understands how i feel.
I was in school today and i was in such a mood with myself for some reason and i felt like throwing a chair out of the window because i have so many emotions inside i cant cope. About 2 weeks ago i attempted sucide coz i had images of myself jumping off a brige and voices and ended up writing a suicide note but every time i feel this way i cant tell any one because i know that the school will contact my dad and i will end up being sectioned for every thing and i dont want that i just feel that numb i lay in my bed and have plans in my head i just want to dissapear because i cant cope with this much longer im always thinking about negative thoughts i just want to give up i dont no who else to turn to i cant turn to school or my parents as they will get me sectioned :'( and i cant talk to any one else because i have been through so much talking and explaining and if i did talk to any one at school they just pass information on.
The ewo is involved with me as he wants to try and help but he cant do any thing. i cant talk to no one so basically im coping alone with this on my own and bottling it up . I dont no what to do any more its hurting me inside so much im really struggling.
Got my school report through and its really bad my grades in all of my subjects are failing because im unable to learn and concentrate on class work and i have got exams after the holidays and im going to fail them. I feel so stupid its not fair i see all these other people getting good grades and being able to learn and achieve what they would like where there is me sitting there like im thick. i feel so bad my attendance level is 33.20 out of 100% and my effort level is 33.32 of of 100% , my parents do understand though they werent mad with me so thats okay. I dont feel like going back to school now because i know im failing and im not learning any thing and half of my teachers just get on to me but there have been emails around school to my teachers that i am struggling and going through a tough time but half of them dont have a clue what its like. They just say im not willing to learn this year when i am trying my best and i know its not my fault i am like the way i am ..
Does school have the right to make me eat and can they section me if i dont want to
eat ? Every thing is going wrong again :( i had a meeting with my head of year and child
protection officer which i did not know about and they started talking about my weight and
my eating and every thing and bringing it all up again and disscusing it and they said to
me that i have lost weight and i need to eat because im getting thinner but i dont want to
but i really dont want to talk about why i dont want to eat, just writing this makes me feel
sick.
I m frustrated by all of it to be honest .
I will be writing another story soon as well to tell you a bit more about whats happening .
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