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SecretHelp07 Asks...
q2a.... please help me.....
my mum & dad broke up when i was about 12, maybe 13. it's now a few years later & for a long time now i've heard lots of phone calls between my dad and what's clearly his girlfriend & when i ask him who it was he says "its arthur from work" which is ridiculous as it was a womans voice at the other end. i've read text messages on his mobile from her and text messages that he has sent to her... it's clearly his girlfriend, because they're "lovey dovey" sort of texts & a few of them were about an argument they had. if the phone rings whan i'm there, he always answers it upstairs so i don't know what's being said, or if he answers it downstairs, the conversation is clearly awkward to carry on & he just gives simple answers like "yes" "no" "ok" "not really, not now" i've also found out that my dad has another daughter (older than me) with another woman. the trouble is, my dad does NOT know any of this at all. i've also copied this womans mobile number from dad's phone to mine so i have it. my mum has seen him getting in a car with this woman. the final straw for me was today, when i found an enlarged photograph of my dad with this woman (same woman who mum saw him getting in the car with) sitting together smiling in a pub at christmas last year, which hurt even more because i had my baby son at christmas & it hurts SO much to think that dad was with me one minute & then back having his secret little life with this woman. i took a photo of the photo on my mobile so i have actual evidence in case i ever need it.
i've asked mum what i should do & she thinks i should wait for an opportunity to show itself, but the problem is that my dad is SO good at keeping his multiple lives seperate that an opportunity may never present itself & i feel i need to know the truth once and for all. as i say, my dad does NOT know any of this at all & i know for a fact (mum's asked him before about having a girlfriend) that if i confront / ask him, he will lie & worm his way out of it somehow because he does NOT want his seperate lives crossing over. i don't want to harm his relationship with this woman at all, i just want to know the truth.
PLEASE q2a, what should i do.... i've even thought of going on tv to confront him, i'm that desperate to resolve this situation, its destroying me every time i see him, i'm starting to want no contact with him AT ALL.
What we suggest...
Hi SecretHelp07, many thanks for your enquiry to q2a.
You have told us quite a lot about what you see going on in your extended family at the moment and how you feel about it. It's obviously an important part of your life and we will do our best to discuss it with you here.
From what you say we are not really sure how close you and your father are. You mention your mum and dad broke up when you were around 12 or 13 so that is 9 -10 years ago. Do you know why they split up? Was there another man or woman involved perhaps? Was the split mutual? How has your relationship been with your father since the split? Do your mum and dad still talk to one another - it sounds like they do, is it amicable? Do you live with your father now? (We guess not as you have a baby of your own so we expect you may have your own home). These are all questions you need to be thinking about in order to assess your relationship with you father now, as things that will have happened in the past may still be affecting your thoughts and relationship now.
However from what you have mentioned your father still does seem to be an active father to you especially as he visited you when you had your son over Christmas so in terms of being a father there doesn't seem to be any issue there. Also from what your mum has said regarding any new relationship in your father's life there doesn't seem to be any anger or frustration on her part either.
With regards to your dad and the girlfriend you suspect he has, you do seem to have quite a lot of evidence to suggest that something is going on, especially with the text messages you have read. However have you any right in looking through the text messages on your father's phone? Your father is a grown man and has his own life to lead, it looks like he is still being a father figure to you, and a grandfather to your son, and also your mum and dad did split up many years ago so its not unreasonable for them to have made new relationships and lives. You have your own life now with your own child. How would you feel if he read your texts? It is invasion of privacy. Also you may need to ask yourself why you have copied the woman's phone number into your own phone. What do you intend to do with it? Perhaps you should think about why you feel your dad should not have a woman companion in his life.
There are many reasons why your father may have kept this relationship from you, some possibilities may be:
- The relationship is still in it's early days or isn't serious and so your father doesn't want to go public about it
- Your father thinks you have a lot on at the moment with just having a baby at Christmas and so doesn't want to burden you with his new relationship
- Your father wants to keep his personal life separate from his life as your father which he can do if he wishes
- Your father is aware that you may not be happy about his relationship for whatever reason and so wishes not to tell you.
We also have to question your use of the word 'confront' in terms of challenging your father about this relationship. Confront is usually meant to mean criticism or accusation. It's fine to ask your dad if he has a new relationship with someone but not really fair to confront him as that would be suggesting he is doing something wrong. Possible things you could say are:
- I've noticed you seem a lot happier recently, is there any particular reason for that?
- You must get lonely at times on your own? Have you thought about dating perhaps?
These are questions to ask which show you are taking an interest and care about your father's personal life but not to the extent you are invading it. If he did find out that you had read his texts then he could understandably be angry and upset about it which may cause rows and create of distrust.
In terms of the photo you found of your father and his potential girlfriend where did you find it? Was it somewhere where you had to hunt for it or was it on display somewhere like on the wall, or next to his bedside cabinet etc. If it is on show then maybe that is a sign that he wants you to know about the woman. But if it wasn't on show then he may question why you were looking through his personal items.
We would say that going on the television is a last resort and it is much better to try and sort the family problems out in private rather than in public where millions of viewers are watching.
In terms of your dad having another daughter, who actually told you and do you know of her whereabouts? Would you like to get to know her regardless of your dad or would you prefer your dad to talk to you about it and then go from there? Does your dad have contact with his other daughter now? These are all questions you are going to have to think about.
We hope we have explored the issues so that you can think clearly about the situation.
Please come back to us if you need to talk about this further or anything else.
Take care
Q2A
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