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Princess Asks...
ive hurt some1 i really love and care about and i dnt no how to make it right he wont speak to me i no wot i did was un forgivable but i would really like his forgiveness please please help x
What we suggest...
Hi Princess. Many thanks for your enquiry.
You tell us that you have hurt someone you love who has now fallen out with you and you want to know how to put things right. As you don't mention whether this is a boyfriend or friend or relation, and also the reason why you have hurt him, we will try and answer your enquiry broadly so it fits a variety of scenarios and hopefully yours.
Any kind of relationship whether with family, friends or partner is based on trust and honesty. That is what cements relationships together. You can hurt people in a variety of ways, either by lying to them, physically hurting them, cheating on them, doing something they don't want you to do (either small or big) and so on. However although these actions are all different they do have a commonality in that they break the trust between two people. Once the trust has been damaged it is very hard for it to be mended but not impossible.
You say you love this person and want to make it right, however he won't speak to you. Perhaps you should look at the reasons why he is so upset and why he won't speak to you. Also consider how the hurt occurred, from his point of view. By this we mean - did he find out about something that you were trying to hide, or was it something you did not realise would upset, did someone else tell or do something that reflected on you? If you were the one who recognised you had hurt him and owned up to him then it should show that you are feeling sorry and guilty for what you have done and wanted to tell him. However if someone else has told him or he caught you in the act, or purposely deceived him then it will be harder for him to think that you were going to come clean about what you have done so the trust is damaged a bit further.
What is important now however is not looking too much at the past and the failings then, but to what you can do now to hopefully gain that trust back. Some options are:
-Perhaps give him a bit of space to think things through so he can think about the final outcome. Let him know you are there when he wants to talk but value his space and recognise that he needs to get his own thoughts straight first.
-Work out why you hurt him - was there something missing in your life that you needed to do it? Did you think he wouldn't approve so tried to keep it a secret? Was there something missing in your relationship together so that you needed to do this? Is it more to do with your lack of confidence or self - esteem perhaps? Once you have worked out the reason why, try talking to him about it. Try and not 'pass the blame' but talk through why it went wrong. If talking is too difficult, try writing it all down.
-Make sure you are trying to make things better because you value the relationship and don't want it to end rather than just feeling guilty about what has happened so you want to clear your guilt.
-Ask someone else to talk to the person first to try and smooth things over.
One of the hardest things may be to actually get the person to start talking to you again or meet up with you. Perhaps you could think of ways to show how sorry you are so that he knows:
-Write a letter to him explaining how sorry you are, the reasons why you did what you did and how you can both move on from this.
-Create a tape / CD of his favourite songs or songs that express how sorry you are
-Write him a poem explaining your thoughts
- Create a collage of photographs and other items that represent your positive relationship together
-Have you been able to say that you are sorry, and been given the opportunity to explain?
These are only suggestions so if you are going to do this kind of thing try and think of things relevant to your own relationship.
If he is willing to speak to you again, then other things to be aware of are:
-To stop doing whatever caused the hurt in the first place. (This may or may not be feasible). This will show to him that you are sorry and are willing to change.
-Spend time together, away from others so that you can communicate more openly with one another and try and build the relationship back up again.
-You don't tell us how long you have known each other and in what kind of capacity. However it does take a long time to build trust between two people (especially if one or both of you have been hurt in the past) so try and be patient.
-Take more of an interest in his life - if you know any hobbies or music he likes take a more active role in them yourself to show your willingness to do the things he likes as well.
-Let him spend time with other people, and you do the same. We all need other people we can socialise with and talk to as well.
But also be aware that there is only so many times you can say you're sorry and only so many ways to prove this. Don't let whatever has gone wrong be used as an excuse when arguments may arise in the future. Try and sort it out now so this doesn't happen.
There are no guarantees that you will be forgiven either now or in the future, you can only try and mend things if he is willing for you to attempt this. By not talking to you it may just be a temporary thing if he is very hurt at the moment. He may contact you when he has had time to calm down and think. However be prepared that he might not want to talk to you again and might think your relationship is not worth saving. If this does happen then probably you will feel very hurt but try and not dwell on what has happened. You are only 16 so there is plenty of time to learn from your experience for the future. What is important is for you to learn from your mistakes, no matter how big or small, so hopefully whatever has gone wrong won't happen in the future in any other relationship.
We hope what we have said is useful to you. There are some other good websites you might like to look at too:
www.bbc.co.uk/relationships
www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/couples/relationshipissues
We hope we have answered your enquiry and that things work out okay for you, please contact us again if you would like to, about this or anything else. Let us know how things go.
Best Wishes
Q2A
Expert advice and every precaution has been taken to ensure that the information on this page is trustworthy and reliable, but the publishers do not hold themselves responsible for any inaccuracy as information can go out of date very quickly. This page gives general guidance only and should not be treated as a complete and authoritative statement of the law. With regard to suggested weblinks given in this reply please note that Lancashire County Council is not responsible for the content of external internet sites.
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