home links bulletin board about what now? make a comment
Pebblez Asks...
Hi.
I have somthing that has been really affecting me recently.I have a really strong relationship going on with my Boyfriend.But my dad doesnt like it. My Boyfriend lives In Northampton. I live in Wootton Bassett. This is a problem from the start, But since my dad really makes it hard to see him, its Even worse. Ive been with him for nearly a year now. And my feelings have just got stronger and stronger, Ive seen him twice in real life now. And both are easily the greatest times of my life. I talk to him everyday online. But now my dad doesnt want me to see him, He isnt a Homophobe, But he beleives that my Boyfriend is leading me, and abusing me. Giving me bad thought's. I dont think this at all. He isnt forcing me to do anything, and He does as i say if anything. But my dad doesnt listen.He hates my Boyfriend. My dad really doesnt want me to see him and im dieing to see him again. I have no idea what to do. I would die for my lover, i cherish him so deeply. I plant to move in with him at one point, and spend the rest of our lives together. But for now, I can rarely seem him because he lives so far away. His mum is happy to Take him down here, or to pick me up, or such. But my dad wont have any of it.
): Oh poop.
What we suggest...
Hi Pebblez
Thanks for your email. You've told us that you have been having a long distance relationship with your boyfriend for nearly a year but you have only met twice. Your father is not happy with the relationship.
There are things that you haven't told us about your situation. One quite important thing is how much older than you your boyfriend is. This can make a difference. There are adults who use the internet to meet and groom young people so that they can use them for sexual purposes. They are often willing to do this over a long period and the young person becomes convinced that the relationship is a 'true' relationship. Sometimes they pretend to be younger than you. It may be that your father is worried that this is what happening. You've told us that your boyfriend isn't forcing you to do anything but abuse doesn't have to be by force. One of the dictionary definitions of abuse is 'use to bad effect or for a bad purpose'. We don't know what is happening between the two of you but we suggest you try to step outside the feelings you have for him, maybe even look at it through your father's eyes, and see how it looks then. Here are some questions you could ask yourself:
* Has my boyfriend ever lied to me?
* Does my boyfriend ever make me feel uncomfortable in things he does or says?
* What would he do if I tried to end the relationship?
* Was he the one who introduced sexual matters into our conversations?
You need to look at this relationship with critical eyes, just to be sure that everything is OK.
You've said that his Mum is willing to bring him down to where you are or pick you up. That sounds like a good sign as it indicates that he is relatively young and has parental approval. But there are still some things to think about. Have you met his Mum? Was she the one who helped you two to meet when you got together in real life? Did she seem like she was his Mum? We are sorry that we sound so suspicious but this is a very common problem and you need to be careful. Have you heard what she thinks about the problem with your Dad? Does she understand?
Now let's think about your Dad. Has he met your boyfriend? Has he seen some of your online conversations? You've told us that he's not a homophobe, which is good, but he seems to have lots and lots of concerns about this particular relationship at this time. You've told us that your Dad thinks that your boyfriend is leading you, abusing you, giving you bad thoughts. Those are very specific accusations. Has he got any evidence? If he hasn't, then one explanation could be that the publicity about paedophiles is affecting his view of this relationship. Most parents want the best for their children and it could be that he sees you as being under threat. If he hasn't met your boyfriend then that threat may seem even worse because in our imaginations we often build up ideas and concerns in our mind until they become out of proportion.
Or there could be another explanation. He may not be a homophobe but, sometimes, not being against something in theory is not the same as not being against it in reality. It may make him feel uncomfortable. It may make him worry about how being gay would affect your life, how you might meet up with prejudice or be treated badly. He might worry about how he would tell his friends or family that you are gay - for some people the opinions of others is more important than their own opinions. He may worry about AIDS or have other worries that are significant concerns for him.
It might also be that your Dad doesn't believe that you are gay. He might think that your boyfriend has 'led you astray' and is persuading you into a lifestyle that you wouldn't necessarily have chosen on your own. There are people who believe that sexuality is from choice and doesn't come from somewhere inside yourself. This is something that he would probably be able to accept over time but at the moment it's 'in his face' by the way you feel about your boyfriend.
It may be that a way forward could come from you having a discussion with your Dad about the situation. We recognise that that's not going to be easy. Obviously the two of you have got to the point where he has taken one side and you have taken another. It's going to take skilful negotiation on your part to open a conversation. Here's what we suggest. Choose a time when Dad isn't busy, maybe in the evening after you've eaten and the washing up is done. Use an opening line like "Dad, can I talk to you please?" The odds are that will put him on the defensive so you will have to use a bit of negotiation. Say something like, "I don't want to start an argument, I just want to talk about this calmly so we can establish where we both stand." Ask him why he objects to your boyfriend. If he doesn't seem to have specific evidence then ask if he would be willing to meet with him. In a public place if possible - it's best not to give your home details out to people you have met on the internet. Perhaps you could all meet for a meal in a restaurant - include your boyfriend's mum too, maybe, which would also lower the likelihood of your Dad losing his temper when other people were present. Then take it step by step from there.
Some of the things you have said to us seem to be very strong for someone of your age. We're not saying you can't be in love at 14 and those relationships do sometimes work out but saying that you want to move in with someone you've only met face to face twice is a very strong, bold statement of intent and likely to scare any parent into opposing any contact at all. Also saying "I would die for my lover" isn't going to go down well with your Dad. Maybe you could use the word "friend" instead of "boyfriend." This is not because this is a gay relationship, the issues would be the same if it were a girl talking about wanting to spend the rest of her life with a boyfriend she had met on the internet. You might think these things in your head or talk about them to your boyfriend but we suggest that your conversations with your Dad are a lot lighter.
It might also help to expand your social life outside just being involved with your boyfriend. We know its quite a distance from where you live, but you could get in touch and see if there was a smaller group nearer to where you live, that we have not got the details of. We suggest you think about Pride Youth, Swindon's LGBT (Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) youth group. You can phone or text them on 07766872565, email them via info@prideyouth.org.uk and/or visit their website at www.prideyouth.org.uk. They meet weekly and it would be a chance for you to make friends with other gay young men. We aren't saying this would lead to you finishing with your boyfriend but it's not really a very good idea to focus all your attentions on one person, particularly at your age. We all need a wide social group with whom we feel comfortable and can interact. It will also provide you with a support group if the problems continue with your Dad.
We hope what we have said is helpful to you, although we guess you may not like or agree with all the points we have made. Please do let us know how you are and how things develop. You can email us again through q2a about this situation, or anything else.
We hope things go well for you.
Best wishes
q2a.
Expert advice and every precaution has been taken to ensure that the information on this page is trustworthy and reliable, but the publishers do not hold themselves responsible for any inaccuracy as information can go out of date very quickly. This page gives general guidance only and should not be treated as a complete and authoritative statement of the law. With regard to suggested weblinks given in this reply please note that Lancashire County Council is not responsible for the content of external internet sites.
here's what i think about ...