Q2A

Got an enquiry ........

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he recently lost his job. He won't sign on at
the job centre and won't look for a job and spends all his time at the pub or on the sofa
watching TV leaving me to earn money to pay our bills. Every time I try to talk to him
about it he refuses to talk about it. If he won't try to get a job soon I feel like I will have to
break up with him. What should I do?

This is our reply.......

Hi Sarah, thanks for contacting q2a.

A major event like becoming unemployed can cause all sorts of stresses and strains in a
relationship. It's as if the balance gets upset somehow, and it can leave one partner
feeling frustrated and resentful. We guess this is where you are now, feeling as though
you're not getting much out of the relationship.

We're not taking your boyfriend's side when we say this, but losing his job has probably
knocked his self-esteem and confidence; he could even have depression - it may be worth
suggesting he goes to see his doctor. It's easy to get focused just on money and bills
and stuff, but maybe try to get him talking about how he's feeling. Reassure him that
although you can't altogether ignore the money side of things, it's the quality of your life
together that's most important to you.

Could you talk to his family and friends and get them to offer him some encouragement?
If you can you would no longer have to cope with the situation on your own. If you're
worried about going behind his back, ask them if they'll be subtle about it.

If he's unwilling to engage in any kind of conversation, even one in which you're trying to
understand how the situation is for him, then it's probably time to get tough and start
putting yourself and your needs first. Here are some suggestions:

# he must check out whether he's entitled to contribution-based Jobseekers Allowance
which is payable for 6 months. This isn't a hand out, he may have 'paid' for it through his
national insurance contributions when he was in work. Your earnings won't affect his
entitlement to this as they would for his entitlement to income-based Jobseekers
Allowance. He can check his entitlement at Doncaster Citizens Advice Bureau, The
Guildhall Advice Centre, Old Guildhall Yard, Frenchgate, Doncaster. Advice Line 01302
735225, open 10am-1pm Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. Drop-in times 9.15am -
2.30pm on the same days

# he must do one thing each day to look for work e.g. buy a paper and look in the
Vacancies section; visit the jobcentre; contact friends or his ex-colleagues and ask them
if they know of anything; do research in the library on likely organisations/companies to
'cold call' for vacancies

# he must check out college courses to retrain or update his skills if it would improve his
chances of finding work

# he must check out voluntary work opportunities so that he has something to do during
the day that will help to rebuild his confidence and self-respect

# he must help around the house e.g. clean/tidy up; have a meal ready when you come
home from work which you sit and eat together, not in front of the TV

# he must go to see his doctor if he's saying things like he's too down to be able to do
anything, or it's not worth it or there's no point. It may indicate depression

# you will only give him x amount of money per week/month to go to the pub with

# you will review the situation in x months' time and if there's no improvement he must
move out and you'll go back to living separately and go back to dating

# he must move out because the relationship is over

Whether some of these suggestions are realistic for you will depend on your housing
situation, that is who has the right to remain in the house.

We recognise it could be difficult just now but try to concentrate on the reasons why you
got together in the first place? The attraction probably wasn't just the fact that he had a
job. Perhaps try to reintroduce some of the things you used to do together so that you
get a break from the routine you've got in to.

You could consider relationship counselling from Relate. You don't have to go together if
you feel your boyfriend wouldn't agree to this, you could go by yourself. Your nearest
branch is:

# Relate Doncaster Premier House Carolina Court Lakeside Doncaster. DN4 5RA.
Telephone for an appointment: 0300 100 1234. Open: Monday - Thursday: 8am - 10pm,
Friday: 8am - 6pm, Saturday: 9am - 5pm

We hope there's something in our reply that will help to improve the current situation
between you and your boyfriend. Going through tough times can test the strength of the
relationship and we hope that things work out as you would like them to. Please contact
us again if you think we can help, with this or anything else.

Best wishes from q2a.

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