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Hi

I struggle to handle any form of saddness or anger in a healthy way. In situations of conflict or awkward situations I become extremely upset and consumed with a sick guilty feeling. I also dwell on these situations for days (even if they are very minor).
I used to self harm but have not for the past year or two but without this I am unsure of how to release emotions.
Can you help?

xxx

This is our reply.......

Hi peggyann, thank you for your email.

Sadness and anger are powerful emotions and are a natural, human reaction to events that happen as we go through life.  In some cultures it's expected that emotions should be tightly controlled or even hidden away as though it's wrong to have them.  This can make them feel completely overwhelming because there is no experience to draw on, no example to follow.

What can help is working out who or what makes you sad and angry and whether they're really worth getting sad or angry about.  Also, think about whether it's just situations in the here and now that bring on these feelings, or whether what happens in the here and now brings up stuff from the past.  The past can’t be changed but acknowledging what happened then can help to give perspective to what's happening now.

So, it's ok to have these feelings, and how you talk to others about them can make a huge difference.  If you can do it in words and say e.g. 'I feel angry with you/about … because …' or 'I feel sad and upset about … because …' you are acknowledging your feelings to yourself, to other people, and it opens up the opportunity to talk about them.  There's less risk of an argument, and it can help you to open up to people.  Also, you'll no longer be alone with your feelings which will help your mental health generally.

You've made huge progress to move on from self-harming so keep this thought at the front of your mind to remind yourself how far you've come.  You may find that one or more of the following will help you to manage your feelings and just generally boost your confidence:

• keep a journal/diary
• write poems/songs/stories
• draw/paint
• talk about your feelings with people you trust
• join a drama or theatre group
• watch your favourite TV/DVDS, listen to your favourite music
• read books/magazines, they're full of other people's experiences which may help with your own situation
• get regular exercise (e.g. swim, jog, cycle, dance)
• eat a well balanced diet and make sure you get enough sleep
• learn a new skill: check out evening classes at local further education college or see what's on at your local sports centre (martial arts, yoga etc.)
• remember how well you manage when you're between low points
• use a helpline - you can ring or email us, or send us your story, express your feelings through our Your Story box on our home page.

If you ever do get to the point where you feel that you really can't cope alone any longer go to see your GP, don't suffer in silence.  They may refer you for counselling or other forms of support.  You can also get information and support from the following organisations:

Helplines:

• Rethink – Focus Line covers Nottingham, freephone 0800 027 2127, support and information for mental health issues. Open 24 hours
• Saneline, national helpline, 0845 767 8000, open 6pm-11pm every day

Websites:

• http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/otherconditions/dealingwithanger
• http://www.bbc.co.uk/headroom/wellbeing/guides/anger.shtml
• http://www.rethink.org
• http://saneline.org.uk

We hope you find what we've said in our reply helpful.  Please contact us again if you need to, about this or anything else.  Take care.

Best wishes from q2a.

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