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06andrewsk Asks...
i getting realy fed up of peple calling me names because of my problem and im trying not to let it get to me but it does and im doing everythihg possible to make it stop and im fed up of it can you help me?
What we suggest...
Hi
Thanks for your email. You've told us that people call you names because of your problem - you haven't told us what that problem is but that doesn't really matter because no one is entitled to call you names for any reason! However, you have told us that you have a disability so we are guessing that may be the problem that you are referring to and we will look more specifically at disability later on in this email.
You've said that you've tried everything possible to make it stop. Here is a quick checklist of very common ways to make bullying such as name calling stop - just check through that you have tried them all:
* If the bullies often say the same things, try to think of some smart/funny answers that you can say just before you walk away. That's another way of showing them they haven't won. We'll help you with this is you would like to email us again and give us some examples of what is said, and we'll come up with some answers
* Ignore the bully. Try not to respond to the hurtful things they say. Don't get into conversation with them. Walk away if you can - it's impossible to bully a retreating back! That's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength as you show everyone you are in control.
* Make a protector to insulate you from the name calling. Be somewhere safe and pleasant - your bedroom perhaps, and think about a time when you have felt really good, really strong. Think yourself back into those feelings. Maybe it is something like blowing candles out on a birthday cake, hearing a new song by your favourite singer for the first time, finishing reading a book you have really enjoyed. Choose a memory that means something to you, imagine yourself back in that situation, feel the feelings, see what's happening, hear what's said. Maybe close your eyes to help you concentrate. When you've captured all those feelings make a special link to them - lots of people do this by pressing their thumb against the tip of their second finger. It needs to be something inconspicuous but something you are aware of. Practice this a few times. Get the feelings then press your finger and thumb together. After a few goes you will find you can do it the other way round. When you press your finger and thumb together those positive feelings of strength will rise up in you. Nothing can hurt you then. You can use this technique when you see or hear the bullies coming. It will help you not react in front of them - except they will see that you are not upset by them. So they don't get the response from you they want. And quickly they should start to leave you alone.
* Don't hold on to the hurtful things all the time. Hang on to them when the bully is around and then talk about them to someone else later - a friend, relative or you might want to send them on to us. Keep a list of positive things about yourself instead and read it often. It will help you to devalue what they say.
* Keep reminding yourself that those hurtful words don't actually mean anything. They're just a weapon that the bully is using to wound you.
* Try not to be alone in the places where you are usually bullied. Maybe take a different route to school. Spend time with someone you trust in your free time at school.
* If the things we have suggested don't sort the problem for you don't be afraid of involving someone in authority in your efforts to stop this. You have done nothing wrong and seeking help will make things easier, not worse.
* So tell someone in authority - a parent, a teacher, head of year, youth worker, etc. This thing is too big to deal with on your own. If this is happening at school, they should have a bullying policy where they identify everything that the school does to stop bullying. They may even have a peer-support scheme where other pupils support someone is being bullied - have a look at this clip on You tube - http://www.youtube.com/beatbullying.
* Before you do this it would be a good idea to keep a record for a week or so and list the dates and times and things that were said, and who said them, then you have a clear record to show the adult what the problem is.
We hope we have given enough information her to help you but here are a list of websites where you can get some more information:
www.bullying.co.uk
www.antibullying.net
www.youngminds.org.uk
www.childline.org.uk
www.kidscape.org.uk
http://www.beatbullying.org/
These organisations often have helpline details included or ways that you can become involved in the site.
Bullies tend to look for differences in someone to pick on them. The difference isn't the reason for the bullying and name calling, it's an excuse for bullying and name calling. They want to make themselves feel big by making someone else feel small. Bullying is a particular problem in schools for young people with disabilities. There's an article at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/7401382.stm which talks about how this has been identified and the plans that are in place to overcome it.
Sometimes a disability means that a young person can't always take a full part in what happens in school, maybe for lessons, gym, at breaks, lunchtime or on trips out. That can lead to them being made to feel and look different and bullies seize on that as an opportunity to pick on them. If this is the case for you then why not investigate ways for you to become more a part of the school? Perhaps you could talk to a teacher about ways to deal with the things that separate you from the others, about ways you could take part in events. Perhaps some teachers use language (unintentionally) which draws attention to the pupil with a disability. A chat with them might overcome this. Would you want to ask your parents or carer to do this? Or maybe there are other changes you could make.
You haven't told us about your disability which may be because you don't like talking about it. On the other hand, it may be that you've got used to other people not understanding so you don't bring the matter up. But what about going about it the other way? What about asking your teacher if you can do a session in class explaining about your disability, how it affects you? We can't promise that everyone will be interested or touched by what you say, but some will and that's a start. Your disability is as much a part of you as anything else and most people appreciate the chance to get to know someone better.
There's an Anti-Bullying Week taking place from 17th to 21st November, http://www.antibullyingweek.org/ There will be lots of things going on, including designing a technicolour dreamcoat for Lee Mead to wear as Joseph on stage in London. What about investigating the website and seeing if you can help organise an event at school for that week? In that way you could get other people to work with you against something which is wrong. It would make you feel good about yourself too. Details about how you can get involved can be found at http://www.bbclic.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=35&Itemid=49&Itemid=49
Finally, please don't let the name calling get to you. You are a person who faces up to problems and deals with them, you are a person who can hold their head up high because they try and keep on trying to make things right. You should be very proud of yourself.
Let us know how you get on, and please email us again about this, or anything else.
Best wishes, and take care
q2a
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